Just Listen

Today was a rough one. A mixture of emotions and events left me feeling like the stuff that you find on the bottom of your shoe. My first response to dealing with this? Find a friend to vent my frustrations to. As I ran from one room to the next and dialed one number after the other, I heard God gentlely whisper, "Come to Me. Tell me your woes. Tell me the ways that you're doubting yourself. Come to Me. I am your Creator; I am the one who determines you're every step. Come to Me."
After failing to find anyone else, I gave in. Finding a place of solitude, I sat and shared my woes with my Papa. When I was through, I simply sat, waiting for His response. "Just listen", He whispered. "Listen to where My voice leads."

So I sat and waited. Waited for an entire minute. Then grew too impatient.

Funny how quickly I give up on the One source who can truly see me for all that He's created me to be. Funny how I ignore the voice of the Almighty, of the One who holds eternity in His hand. Funny how I seek advice from everyone but Him. Actually, it's not that funny. It's not funny at all. It's quite sad, really. And it explains why I put myself through so much distress and misery.

Where You lead me, LORD, I will follow. But first, I'll stop and listen to You're direction.

LORD, it isn't my doing that's put me in this position, that's given me the experiences that life has given me. It isn't because of me that I'm gifted in the ways that I am or that I know the things that I do. It's because of You, LORD. Because of Your mercy, favor, and grace. Because of Your goodness. Because of Your power. Because of You. Teach me to listen to Your voice, LORD. Don't let me be consumed by the things of this world, but renew my mind that I may know Your good, perfect, and pleasing will. May I seek Your glory, LORD, not my own. May You be glorified in all that I do.

Metaphorically speaking

Eish man! Out of no where it's hit. I thought I'd eaten my share of pie, when out of the blue pride attacks me from behind. Not the type of pride where my head's the size of a hot air balloon, but the type of pride that makes me the sun as the world revolves around me; all eyes on me waiting to judge if I'm cut out for this, waiting to see how I'll compare to those around me. And strangely, this pride makes me feel as big as an ant as insecurities steal away my Christ given confidence. Timidness takes over as the weight of the world's demands overtake me. But wait.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME

It's not about me. This isn't about me. The world hasn't stopped to stare at the Sharon show; I wasn't put in this position to impress or show anyone up. God put me here to do HIS will. It's not about me; it's all about You. Yup, I'm gonna mess up (already have countless times during training), but Your grace and Your plan are bigger than my mistakes. Apart from you, I can do nothing (John 15:5), but with You, I can do infinitely beyond my highest desires, thoughts, dreams, or hopes (Eph 3:20). May You be glorified in all that I do.

Where You lead me, LORD, I will follow.

Grumblings

Over the past few weeks, I've been reading about the exodus of the Israelites and their journey to the promised land. As they travel, I notice a theme of the people. They grumble. A lot. As I read through the end of Numbers today I noticed that, once again, the Israelites ask, "'Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the desert?'" (Numbers 21:5). As I read that verse, I literally stopped and said, "Really? Really? After all that God has provided for you, you still doubt that He can provide you with something as simple as bread and water?" This is the same God who had already given the people water from a rock, quail for meat, bread from the sky, and miraculously rescued them from slavery in Egypt. This is the same God who opened the Red Sea for the people to cross and empowered them to defeat armies 10 times the size of their own army. Did they really doubt that He was able to provide for them now? Did they really think that God would abandon them after showing them His faithfulness time and time again?

But quickly a powerful realization rose up in me. I do the same thing. Time and time again I doubt that God can take care of the little details of my life that seem of monumentous importance, time and time again I wonder if He even cares or why He's allowing me to go through certain circumstances. Despite the countless times that He's taken care of me and proven His faithfulness and goodness to me, I doubt. What a fool am I!

Trust and obey. All you ask, LORD, is that I trust and obey.

More pie please

I've been asked to speak in my mother's Sunday school class tomorrow (prayers appriciated) about my time in Zambia. As I thought through what this entailed, I struggled with what I would say. Zambia was a time of learning, a time of incredible growth. God did amazing things while I was over there. And in the the process, I learned a lot of hard lessons, lessons that speak the wonders of God but don't put me in a good light, lessons that involved my failure and doubts. Really? Did I really want to share all of this will a large group of people? Did I want to show them how foolish I was?

As I wrested with these questions, God added a question of His own: who is this about? I've given you yet another opportunity to testify about my power and goodness and character. I've allowed you to show others who I am. So ultimately, is this about you? Or is it about Me?

Yes, I would like another piece of humble pie please.

Judge and Jury

It's been a summer of learning, eh.
Don't even get me started on how I was stretched and pulled trying to fit all the lessons of Zambia into this little head of mine.

But once stateside again, I returned to a place that I know better than the back of my hand, a place that I've ventured to for the past 22 summers(yup, since I was 6 months old), a place that I've grown to love and cherish: camp.

Surely a place so familiar couldn't possibly be a place of learning, right? FALSE!

God was kicking my butt this past week, let me tell you.

Blame it on overscheduling myself or being tired or stressed; whatever the case, I entered the week with a poor attitude.

After being frustrated with almost everyone by the first full day, I realized that most likely it wasn't everyone else with the problem, but yours truly. How's your PMA (positive mental attitude for my non-camp friends)? Yeah, mine was suffering.

During camp, I was reminded that I have crazy high, sometimes impossible standards for myself. The problem came about when I began not only applying these crazy high standards on myself, but on other people as well. Pride consumed me, and I began getting upset with people who didn't do their job my way; afterall, my way was the best well. Ginormous mistake? Most definitely.

After a serious consumption of humble pie and a series of apologies, I found myself struggling to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). No, it wasn't right for me to hold others to an impossible standard, yet at the same time we're called to hold one another accountable. I spent the week (and then some) wrestling between finding balance in this. How do I hold my loved ones accountable without judging them? How can I be lovingly truthful?

Praise God that He is patient with me as I seek to follow His lead. Praise Him for the countless times that He's forgiven me when I mess up, turning away from Him to do my own thing.

God is good. All the time.

Haven of Prayer

Hey friends,
Will you please take a moment and pray for my babies at The Haven in Zambia? There's been an outbreak of measles at the orphanage. Please pray especially for little Nathan.