A Christmas lesson

While exploring post-undergrad options, a friend stumbled upon a sweet program that intertwines grad school and the peace corps.  To be completely honest, it was the first option that I found that actually excited me.

As I read through the details of the program, my excitement quickly turned to fear for several reasons.  One, though I'm embarrassed to share this, was because the program requires participates to live in the lifestyle of the people, which, from stories of my aunt's experience in the peace corps as well as my experiences in Africa, I know can be quite primitive.  Ashamedly, I'd become quite comfortable in my American ways, quite comfortable in having running water and a refrigerator filled with fresh food and electricity that keeps my house warm and allows me to share these thoughts with you now.

As I pondered the things that I may be required to give up, the Holy Spirit tapped on my heart, reminding me of Someone else who gave up the comforts of home for the sake of others.  Especially during this season, I can't help but reflect on the wonder and sacrifice of God becoming man, of the Creator of all things giving up Heaven to dwell among us, the amazing truth that our God CHOSE to give up everything, including His power and majesty, to come to earth as a helpless babe.  Wow.  What a mighty God we serve!

The nudging continued as I remember that we as Christ followers are called to do the same.  We too are asked to give up the comforts of this world for the glory of God.  And more so than simply giving up stuff but also giving up the security and trust that come from my own plan, that come from being in a place of familiarity and of people who are dear to me.  Now, I'm not running off to join the peace corps just yet, but I am wrestling with what I'd be willing to give up not for some earthly organization, but for Christ.  Is there anything that stands between He and I, anything that I would cling to when He has clearly told me to let it go?  LORD, rid me of any idols in my life.  Take away any people or possessions that come between You and I.  Papa, I surrender my dreams to Your plans.  May Your will be done.  Where You lead me, LORD, I will follow.

Growth

Last night I had a warm (quite literally) reminder of how much God has grown me over the past few years.

Last night was our dorm's (and our brother dorm's) Christmas party.  In preparation for it, me and a fellow RA picked up food from food services and carted it down to our dorms.  In the process of transporting the hot cocoa, I managed to lose control of the cart, sending it toppling over and causing a nice sized puddle of steaming liquid. 

So how does massive amounts of spilled cocoa equate growth?  If this had happened my freshman year, I would have felt aweful about it; the incident probably would have even brought me to tears.  Last night I couldn't help but laugh at myself.  Granted, I felt bad that food services had to stick around an extra hour to replace our party drinks, but I wasn't shamed by my mistake.  It's cool to see how God has grown me from someone who found her worth by being (or at least trying to be) perfect in her works to a women who is secure in her value in Christ alone.  My confidence is found in knowning that nothing that I do, great or small, good or bad, could ever change how my God perceives me, how my God loves me.  What more could I want?

A few of my favorite pics from last night's Grinchmas, just for kicks.  :-)

Haiti

Please keep Haiti in your prayers as it wrestles with the backlash of election results, the cholrea outbreak, and continual recovery from the earthquake that took place almost a year ago.

Full story: http://www.MNNonline.org/article/15070

Full story: http://www.MNNonline.org/article/15073

http://haitifoundationagainstpoverty.blogspot.com/

AIDs is my name

A poem written by a child in Kenya explaining his view of AIDs.
Please pray for those infected and affected by HIV/AIDs

A rolling thought

Over the past month or so, I've been reading through Kings and Chronicles.  Often in this books, there will be a chapter or two describing a particular king's rule.  Within these chapters contain one of two phrases: either, "he did evil in the eyes of the LORD" or "he did right in the eyes of the LORD".  Sometimes this is one of the only things mentioned of the king: whether he did evil or right in the eyes of the LORD.

As I ponder these verses, I can't help but wonder what would be written behind my name.  What influences are leading me?  Are they causing me to do right in the eyes of the LORD?  Or evil?  What about the little decisions of every day life, the "little things that don't really matter"?  In view of these things alone, am I doing right in the eyes of the LORD?

Just a thought rolling through my brain lately.  :-)

Radical

A few insights that stuck out to me from David Platt's book "Radical".

We are settling for a Christianity that revolves around catering to ourselves when the central message of Christianity is actually about abandoning ourselves.

Based on what we have heard from Jesus in the gospels, we would have to agree that the cost of discipleship is great.  But I wonder if the cost of nondiscipleship is even greater.  The price is certainly high for people who don't know Christ and who live in a world where Christians shrink back from self-denying faith and settle into self-indulging faith.  While Christians choose to spend their lives fulfilling the American dream instead of giving their lives to proclaiming the kingdom of God, literally billions in need of the gospel remain in the dark.

Yes, you are abandoning everything you have, but you are also gaining more than you could have any other way.  So with joy- oh what joy!- you sell it all, you abandon it all.  Why?  Because you have found something worth losing everything else for.  This is the picture of Jesus in the gospel.  He is something- someone- worth losing everything for.

This is how Gos works.  He puts people in positions where they are desperate for his power, and then he shows his provision in ways that display his greatness.

God delights in using ordinary Christians who come to the end of the,selves and choose to trust in his extraoridinary provision.  He stands ready to allocate  his power o all who are radically dependent on him and radically devoted to making much of him.

Certainly few of us would be so bold as to say we "would just as soon God annihilate all those people and send them to hell", but if we do not take the gospel to them, isn't that where they will go?

[Jesus] has created each of us to take the gospel to the ends of the earth, and I propose that anything less than radical devotion to this purpose is unbiblical Christianity.

The message of biblical Christianity is not "God loves me, period", as if we were the object of our own faith.  The message of biblical Christianity is "God loves me so that I might make him- his ways, his salvation, his glory, and his greatness- known among all nations.  Now God is the object of our faith, and Christianity centers around him.  We are not the end of the gospel; God is.

But where in the Bible is missions ever identified as an optional program in the church?  We have just seen that we were all created by God, saved from our sins, and blessed by God to make his glory known in all the world.  Indeed, Jesus himself has not merely called us to goto all nations; he has created us and commanded us to go to all nations.

But what if we don't need to sit back and wait for a calling to foreign missions?  What if the very reason we have breath is because we have been saved for a global mission?  And what if anything less than passionate involvement in global mission is actually selling God short by frustrating the very purpose for which he created us?

Making disciples is not an easy process.  It is trying.  It is messy.  It is slow, tedious, even painful at times.  It is all thses things because it is relational.  Jesus has no given us an effortless step-by-step formula for impacting nations for glory.  He has given us people, and he has said, "Live for them.  Love them, serve them, and lead them.  Lead them to follow me.  In the process you will multiply the gospel to the ends of the earth."

Disciple making is not about a program or an event but about a relationship.  As we share the gospel, we impart life, and this is the essence of making disciples.  Sharing the life of Christ.

If the Son of God thought it necessary to focus his life on a small group of men, we are fooling ourselves to think we can mass-produce disciples today.  God's design for taking the gospel into the world is a slow, intentional, simple process that involves every one of his people sacrificing every facet of their lives to multiply the life of Christ.

So what is the difference between someone who willfully indulges in sexual pleasures while ignoring the Bible on moral purity and someone who willfully indulges in the selfish pursuit of more and more material possessions while ignoring the Bible on caring for the poor?  The difference is that one involves a social taboo in the church and the other involves a social norm in the church.

If our lives do not reflect radical compassion for the poor, there is reason to question just how effective we will be in declaring the glory of Christ to the ends of the earth.  More pointedly, if our lives do noot reflect radical compassion for the poor, there is reason to wonder if Christ is really in us at all.

The logic that says, "I can't do everything so I won't do anything" is straight from hell.

Orphans are easier to ignore bbefore you know their names.  They are easier to ignore before you see their faces.  It is easier to pretend they're not real before you hold them in your arms.  But once you do, everything changes.

God would not be just in condemning people for not believing in a Savior they never heard of.  But don't forget; people are not ultimately condemned for not believing in Jesus.  They are ultimately comdemned for rejecting God.

In other words, for these 1.5 billion unreached and unengaged peoples, almost every individual within them is born, lives, and dies without ever hearing the gospel.  Even worse, no one is currently doing anything to change their situation.  No one.

Soon thereafter he found himself in another remote village with people who had never heard the gospel... one man went into his small shop and reappeared moments later with a classic red Coke cam\n..  Immediately, it hit home with my friend.  A soft-drink company in Atlanta had done a better job getting brown sugar water to these people than the church of Jesus Christ had done in getting the gospel to them.

This is a cause worth living for.  It is a cause worth dying for.  It is a cause worthy of moving urgently on.  We have the gospel of Christ in us, and we do not have time to waste.  Some wonder if it is unfair for God to allow so many to have no knowledge of the gospel.  But there is no unjustice in God.  The injustice lies in Christians who possess the gospel and refuse to give their lives in making it known among those who haven't heard.  That is unfair.

The reality is that if we really become like Jesus, the world will hate us.  Why?  Because it hated him.

To everyone wanting a safe, untroubled, comfortable life free from danger, stay away from Jesus.  The danger in our lives will always increase in proportion to the depth of our relationship with Christ.

Satan's strategy to stop God's people through the stoning of Stephen only served to accomplish God's purpose through the scattering of the church.

We have nothing to fear, for God is soverign.

Your life is free to be radical when you see death as a reward.

If you and I ever hope to free our lives from worldly desires, worldly thinking, worldly pleasures, worldly dreamms, worldly ideals, worldly values, worldly ambitions, and worldly acclaim, then we must focus our lives on another world.

LORD have mercy, Christ have mercy

Lately, God's been revealing my depravity and sinfulness.  By society's standards, I'm a pretty good kid; I don't engage in illegal activities, I'm not violent, pretty much I'm a stick to the rules kind of girl. Often when I go to pray, I've struggled to think of many things that I need to confess.  Over the last few weeks, God's been changing my heart and opening my eyes to just how sinful I truly am.  On top of pride (which is crazy evident by my prayer), God's showing me struggles with anger, bitterness, self-centeredness, deception, and a whole slew of other things.  I don't share this because of some need to confess my faults but because I want to confess God's grace.  As I discover more and more the depth of my depravity, I see more and more the depth of God's mercy and grace.  I learn the depth of His love for me, that as ugly and broken and messed up I am, His love remains.  And I'm learning that I am powerless to address my sinfulness without His grace and without Him empowering me to overcome my sin nature.  We live in a messed up world, my friends, but my God is bigger.

LORD, have mercy; Christ Jesus, have mercy; LORD, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Stained Glass Masquerade

Somehow at Bible study last night, we got on the topic of religiousity in America.  Isn't it interesting that the Bible teaches that we are a broken and depraved people yet our church culture often teaches us to act as if our lives our perfect?  Does this mean that our churches are teaching us something that is unbiblical?  How did masking our imperfections become such a part of our churches and Christian community?  What are its roots?  How is it affecting our understanding of the Bible, of God, and of His people?


Part 2
After talking to Nathan about this, he informed me that throughout history, all of the nations surrounding Israel recorded only their successes in history.  Israel, on the other hand, recorded both successes and failures to show the strength of God.  Which of these does our church better resemble today?

Busy

This is a word that frequently takes part in my vocabulary, though I'm quickly beginning to despise it.  How did we get to a point where our lives are controled by our adgenda?  How did we let activities take control of us rather then us controling our activities?  Granted, there are events in life that we simply must do though we might not always want to.  However, this becomes a problem when we're so consumed with everything that we feel like we must do that we no longer invest in the things that we see valuable.

The idea that we have no control over our time is a lie.  We invest our time in what we find valuable, invest it according to our top priorities.  We set our schedules; they don't control us.  How different would our world be if we no long hid behind the excuse of, "I'd love to, but I'm simply too busy", and were honest in telling others that the request or activity simply isn't priority for us?  How would the things that we say yes and no to change?

Puzzled

It's been one of those weekends where it's evident that we serve a God who is active in our lives, a God who sees the big picture of our lives and is slowly putting itspuzzle together piece by piece. 
Despite massive amounts of homework and projects that come with being a senior, last night I chose to go to a Halloween party and hang out with some friends, a much needed break after being consumed with classes and work the past few weeks.  It was the exact relaxation that I needed, and at the end of the night one of my friends asked me if I'd be willing to help her with her 3 year old Sunday school class this morning.  Though feeling a bit swamped with all that I already had to do, I agreed. 

When we got to church this morning, I was asked to switch into the baby room.  Secretly, this is one of my favorite age group to work with at church.  There's just something about the innocence of babies.  Because of a recent church expansion (so we're now meeting at 2 different campuses), we ending up having a one to one ratio of babies to adults, which made the morning even better.  I love being able to just focus in on one or two children rather than trying to keep 20 under control.  This also lead to some sweet conversations with the men that I was serving with.  Turns out that one of them works with Intervarsity, so he knows a thing or two about college students.  When I shared with him what I want to do post-graduation, he told me that his wife is a social worker and could give me a better idea of what grad school would look like, what kind of doors and MSW would open up, etc.  This lead to a sweet conversation with his wife, which has left me reeling as to what my next step will be.  It's definitely something that I've been praying for hardcore.  It excites me that God would put people in my life who can help direct me. 

God is good.  All the time.  I have no idea where I'll be this time next year, but he does.  God's got me safely in my hands.  What more could I ask for?

Over the past few weeks, a lot has happened that is completely out of my hands.  Stuff happened with the women in my section, with my family, with my friends, and I'm left standing with empty hands having nothing to give.  I have no solutions.  These situations are completley above me.  And as I stand helpless, longing to offer something of worth, I take comfort in knowing that when I am weak Christ makes me strong.  This is completely out of my control, but not His.  God's got this.  Though I don't understand His plan, I rest in knowing that He is in control.  He's got this.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My Future in Christ is Clear

It's been awhile since my last post not because I've had nothing on my mind but because I've had too much on my mind.  God's been teaching me at the speed of light, I'm I'm simply trying to keep up.

Though I can't tell you exactly how it happened, somehow I've fallen.  I've fallen into the trappings of this world.  This semester has consumed me with searches for the securities of this world, security in my appearance, in friendships, in family, in finances, in achievements, in plans.  I've become trapped by the things that world calls important and, in the process, lost sight of God's truth. 
As a senior in college, people keep asking me what I have next.  Quickly I'm discovering that I'm no longer a child but an adult and am quickly gaining the resposibilities of being an adult.  This is evidenced in what were my future plans.  As I considere my next steps, I was quick to jump on the idea of going on to grad school to open up more vocational possibilities in the future.  My plan was quite secure; I'd move back home for a year or two, get my MSW at the school that my mother works at (because it'll be cheapest), then make a plan from there.  This last week, God's really shaken this plan.  Not that it in itself is bad, but it's not a plan that I've prayed over or surrendered to Him.  It's a plan that I've chosen because it was safe and relatively easy.  Now God's challenging me to yet again surrender my plans to Him, to give up the "certainty" of this world to rest safely in His arms.

Yesterday while having breakfast with my brother, the topic of my future came up again.  When he asked of my future plans, I again mentioned grad schools then working with an organization overseas somewhere, hopefully in Africa with kids.  :-)  Though I've loved working with missions organizations in the past, I hoped to work with a somewhat different kind of NPO.  Why?  Basically, money.  Though my mission's experiences have been incredible and faith-growing, I cringe at the thought of having to fundraise for my basic needs for the rest of my life.  Translation:  I want the security of a weekly pay check rather than trusting that God will provide my daily bread.  Hmm.  Not ok.

Another doubt that jumps to my mind when considering the reality of moving overseas long term (not just 6 months but life long) is the fear of being alone.  As soon as this thought pops into my mind, God reminds me that He will never leave or foresake me.  "Yes LORD, I know You're there.  But I want someone in flesh and blood as well."  Translation:  God, You're not enough.  Yikes!  NOT ok.

So who am I really putting my trust in: God or myself?  Who am I truly relying on.  Hmm.  That would be me.  No wonder I'm tired.  No wonder I'm stressing out.  No wonder I'm overwhelmed.  I've taken my eyes off of Christ and focused on me alone.  But here's the thing:  I have no idea what the future holds.  I have no idea what's going to happen in 20 seconds let alone 20 years.  But God does.  God knows.  Unlike me, He isn't bound by time.  So why do I worry?  Why do I freak out?  My future in Christ is clear.

LORD, forgive me for my selfishness.  Forgive me for being self-absorbed.  Forgive me for trusting in what is temporary and seen rather than what is eternal and unseen.  You are God of all.  Nothing is impossible for You.  You are my only hope.  You've got this, LORD.  You hold me safely in Your arms.  Teach me to rest in You, Papa.  Teach me to trust You with my life.  You've got every detail, Papa.  Nothing happens outside of Your control.  In You alone I place my trust.  You are all I need.

Saul

Over the past few days, I've been reading about the life of Saul as recorded in 1st Samuel. Initially, Saul wasn't one to stand out in a crowd. He is a Benjamite, from the smallest tribe of Israel, whose clan is the least of all the clans of the tribe of Benjamin. (1 Samuel 9:21). One day, he's out looking for some missing donkeys when God sends Samuel along to tell Saul that the LORD has chosen him as king of Israel. The LORD empowers Saul, making him into a completely different person (1 Samuel 10:6). And how does Saul respond? When Samuel makes the public announcement of Saul's kingship, Saul hides (1 Samuel 10:22). When his son defeats the Philisgines, Saul takes the credit (1 Sam 13 and 14). When the LORD rescues the Isralites from their enemies, Saul again takes the credit, evn as far as setting up a monument in his own honor (1 Sam 15:12). 1 Samuel 15:34 records: "And the LORD was grieved that he had made Saul king over Israel."

Now, I don't know about you, but that's not something that I want to be known for. I never want to grieve the LORD. I pray that He gives me the humility to follow in the plan that He has prepared for me, the humility to always remember that He is the source of my strength and success.

Where You lead for YOUR glory, LORD

Everything

He's at it again. Due to certain events earlier in this week, God's once again been wrestling with my heart, once again demanding that I give my full devotion to Him, once again pursuing me to have Him be my sole (and soul) desire.

Recently, it's been a wrestling match as to where my security rests, who I cling to when my world comes crashing down, who I run to when life overwhelms. I'm learning fast that I can't put this ensurance in friends, family, mentors, pastors, organizations, Africa, church. My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ. He alone will never abandon me. He alone is faithful. He alone is my hiding place.

LORD, teach me to make You my everything.

A fan of God's grand plan

My senior year of high school, I had no desire to go to college. All that I wanted to do was love on kids in Africa; what school would teach me that? Thankfully, I had some wise youth leaders who urged to take advange of the opportunity to go to college that sat before me.

As I shared this and my experience of college thus far with my RD yesterday in our one-on-one, and she pointed out to me that in my surrendering and obedience to God, He has given me the desires of my heart.

Yeah, we serve a pretty cool God. :-)

Where You lead...

True to Your Heart

Once upon a time when I was in forth or fifth grade, I did a gymnastics routine to the song "True to Your Heart" from the Disney movie Mulan, which has little to do with what I'm about to share.

With the new responsibilites of being and RA, I've fallen into an old trap and found myself being tempted to fit the role that I think others what me to fulfill. Yet again, pride jumped in, and with it the insecurities of not measuring up. I struggled to try to mime each of the women in my section/my fellow RAs in hopes that I would gain some sort of approval.

By Wednesday night, I was sick of the charade. God had put me in this position for a reason; my pretending to be something that I'm not was impeding God's purpose. Thus, I threw off these shananigans and determined to be real. And here's the cool part: my women loved it! They laughed as I shared my awkwardness of freshman year, grinned as I shared with them the things that God has taught me throughout my college career, teared up a bit as I shared with them the potential that I already see in them, and gleemed with enthusiasm as we headed outside to toe paint. What a blessing!

God's being teaching me the importance of being true to myself. Moreso, it's been teaching me the importance of being true to who He's created me to be. He's giving me gifts and passions that His will might be done in my life. He hasn't created me that I would strive to gain the strengths of another, but that I would embrace His will for my life and the talents that He's given me to accomplish that will so I can bring glory to His name. I'm confident that God will use the personality, resources, skills, education, gifts, heart, and mind that He's given me to accomplish things greater than I can even imagine or dream of. And I can't wait!


Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. Gal. 1:10

We're losing the fight

So, over the past month or so I've been fighting what feels like a losing battle with pride. For reasons unknown to me, I've become self-consumed, obsessed with other's opions of me, obsessed with being better than those around me. Today I grew so tired of this that I fled to a secluded place where nothing would distract me from a much needed conversation with my Papa. After much prayer and questioning, I struggled to listen to His response. I wrestled through the reality that I was seeking man's approval rather than God's, that I wasn't content with His opinion of me but needed to find approval elsewhere as well. After straining past my own egotistical thoughts, I heard God whisper

"If i were all that you had, would it be enough?"

Just Listen

Today was a rough one. A mixture of emotions and events left me feeling like the stuff that you find on the bottom of your shoe. My first response to dealing with this? Find a friend to vent my frustrations to. As I ran from one room to the next and dialed one number after the other, I heard God gentlely whisper, "Come to Me. Tell me your woes. Tell me the ways that you're doubting yourself. Come to Me. I am your Creator; I am the one who determines you're every step. Come to Me."
After failing to find anyone else, I gave in. Finding a place of solitude, I sat and shared my woes with my Papa. When I was through, I simply sat, waiting for His response. "Just listen", He whispered. "Listen to where My voice leads."

So I sat and waited. Waited for an entire minute. Then grew too impatient.

Funny how quickly I give up on the One source who can truly see me for all that He's created me to be. Funny how I ignore the voice of the Almighty, of the One who holds eternity in His hand. Funny how I seek advice from everyone but Him. Actually, it's not that funny. It's not funny at all. It's quite sad, really. And it explains why I put myself through so much distress and misery.

Where You lead me, LORD, I will follow. But first, I'll stop and listen to You're direction.

LORD, it isn't my doing that's put me in this position, that's given me the experiences that life has given me. It isn't because of me that I'm gifted in the ways that I am or that I know the things that I do. It's because of You, LORD. Because of Your mercy, favor, and grace. Because of Your goodness. Because of Your power. Because of You. Teach me to listen to Your voice, LORD. Don't let me be consumed by the things of this world, but renew my mind that I may know Your good, perfect, and pleasing will. May I seek Your glory, LORD, not my own. May You be glorified in all that I do.

Metaphorically speaking

Eish man! Out of no where it's hit. I thought I'd eaten my share of pie, when out of the blue pride attacks me from behind. Not the type of pride where my head's the size of a hot air balloon, but the type of pride that makes me the sun as the world revolves around me; all eyes on me waiting to judge if I'm cut out for this, waiting to see how I'll compare to those around me. And strangely, this pride makes me feel as big as an ant as insecurities steal away my Christ given confidence. Timidness takes over as the weight of the world's demands overtake me. But wait.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME

It's not about me. This isn't about me. The world hasn't stopped to stare at the Sharon show; I wasn't put in this position to impress or show anyone up. God put me here to do HIS will. It's not about me; it's all about You. Yup, I'm gonna mess up (already have countless times during training), but Your grace and Your plan are bigger than my mistakes. Apart from you, I can do nothing (John 15:5), but with You, I can do infinitely beyond my highest desires, thoughts, dreams, or hopes (Eph 3:20). May You be glorified in all that I do.

Where You lead me, LORD, I will follow.

Grumblings

Over the past few weeks, I've been reading about the exodus of the Israelites and their journey to the promised land. As they travel, I notice a theme of the people. They grumble. A lot. As I read through the end of Numbers today I noticed that, once again, the Israelites ask, "'Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the desert?'" (Numbers 21:5). As I read that verse, I literally stopped and said, "Really? Really? After all that God has provided for you, you still doubt that He can provide you with something as simple as bread and water?" This is the same God who had already given the people water from a rock, quail for meat, bread from the sky, and miraculously rescued them from slavery in Egypt. This is the same God who opened the Red Sea for the people to cross and empowered them to defeat armies 10 times the size of their own army. Did they really doubt that He was able to provide for them now? Did they really think that God would abandon them after showing them His faithfulness time and time again?

But quickly a powerful realization rose up in me. I do the same thing. Time and time again I doubt that God can take care of the little details of my life that seem of monumentous importance, time and time again I wonder if He even cares or why He's allowing me to go through certain circumstances. Despite the countless times that He's taken care of me and proven His faithfulness and goodness to me, I doubt. What a fool am I!

Trust and obey. All you ask, LORD, is that I trust and obey.

More pie please

I've been asked to speak in my mother's Sunday school class tomorrow (prayers appriciated) about my time in Zambia. As I thought through what this entailed, I struggled with what I would say. Zambia was a time of learning, a time of incredible growth. God did amazing things while I was over there. And in the the process, I learned a lot of hard lessons, lessons that speak the wonders of God but don't put me in a good light, lessons that involved my failure and doubts. Really? Did I really want to share all of this will a large group of people? Did I want to show them how foolish I was?

As I wrested with these questions, God added a question of His own: who is this about? I've given you yet another opportunity to testify about my power and goodness and character. I've allowed you to show others who I am. So ultimately, is this about you? Or is it about Me?

Yes, I would like another piece of humble pie please.

Judge and Jury

It's been a summer of learning, eh.
Don't even get me started on how I was stretched and pulled trying to fit all the lessons of Zambia into this little head of mine.

But once stateside again, I returned to a place that I know better than the back of my hand, a place that I've ventured to for the past 22 summers(yup, since I was 6 months old), a place that I've grown to love and cherish: camp.

Surely a place so familiar couldn't possibly be a place of learning, right? FALSE!

God was kicking my butt this past week, let me tell you.

Blame it on overscheduling myself or being tired or stressed; whatever the case, I entered the week with a poor attitude.

After being frustrated with almost everyone by the first full day, I realized that most likely it wasn't everyone else with the problem, but yours truly. How's your PMA (positive mental attitude for my non-camp friends)? Yeah, mine was suffering.

During camp, I was reminded that I have crazy high, sometimes impossible standards for myself. The problem came about when I began not only applying these crazy high standards on myself, but on other people as well. Pride consumed me, and I began getting upset with people who didn't do their job my way; afterall, my way was the best well. Ginormous mistake? Most definitely.

After a serious consumption of humble pie and a series of apologies, I found myself struggling to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). No, it wasn't right for me to hold others to an impossible standard, yet at the same time we're called to hold one another accountable. I spent the week (and then some) wrestling between finding balance in this. How do I hold my loved ones accountable without judging them? How can I be lovingly truthful?

Praise God that He is patient with me as I seek to follow His lead. Praise Him for the countless times that He's forgiven me when I mess up, turning away from Him to do my own thing.

God is good. All the time.

Haven of Prayer

Hey friends,
Will you please take a moment and pray for my babies at The Haven in Zambia? There's been an outbreak of measles at the orphanage. Please pray especially for little Nathan.

Busy, busy

Pardon the juvenile reference, but does anyone remember the Veggie Tales episode where they portray the story of the Good Samaritan. In the episode, Larry gets robbed and shoved in a hole in the ground. Then two high standing citizens walk by, see his distress, then keep going, claiming that they are "busy, busy, dreadfully busy; we'd like to help but we can't".

I realized today how much I relate to these characters. I thrive on busyness. Too often I take on more that I should because it makes me feel accomplished and important. Whether it's a job or leadership position or friendship, I constantly want to be doing. It doesn't help that I struggle to let go of things. I like routine, and I often hang on to relationships or jobs far longer than I should. I want to stay in touch with every single person that I've ever met. I want to continue to invest in the lives of those that I've mentored years after that role has finished. I take on jobs left and right without being willing to let go of old ones. Lately the faults of such habits have become more than evident.

For one, they, in part, lead me to desire my own plans rather than God's. Earlier this summer, God closed the door for me to return to South Africa and opened a door for me to go to Zambia. I fought Him every step of the way, but still His plan prevailed. I was afraid that by going to Zambia, I would be closing the door on South Africa, not something that I was ready to do.

I've realized the faults of these habits as I spend my summer jumping from one responsibility to the other, leaving myself stretched to the limit and drained (and summer's only halfway through). I've lost the excitement for the things I once loved, replacing it with frustrations of trying to take care of all the details, losing the quality I was once able to invest.

I've seen it hurt my relationships. Wanting to maintain all of my friendships and wanting to please everyone, during my "down time", my schedule is jammed packed with getting together with friends, often rushing away from one conversation to arrive ten minutes late for the next. I've turned my friends into another appointment on my calendar, and for this I'm sorry. I haven't been able to simply relax and soak up their company, to be fully involved with who I'm with without checking my watch to ensure I'm not late for the next meeting. That simply isn't fair to my friends; it doesn't show the love that I have for them, doesn't express how much I cherish them.

So I'm left praying for discernment. I'm left praying that God will lead and guide me for His name sake. I'm left praying that He will give me a spirit of willingness to follow where He leads. I'm left praying that He will give me the grace and wisdom to let go of responsibilities that I need to be finished with that I may fully participate in what He has planned for me. I'm left praying that He will free me of distractions, that He will rid me of anything that is not of Him and is of me. I'm left praying for forgiveness and mercy and grace. I'm left in the loving embrace of my Savior and Papa. I'm left surrendering (for the umpteenth time) my plans for His. I'm left trusting Him wholly, obeying Him wholly. I'm leaving this busyness behind that I may fully soak up God's plan for my life.

Snapshots: Zambia in 5 minutes

Here's a video that I made for those who supported my time in Zambia. It's a quick glimpse of my time there and will allow you to see more pictures as well as a few video clips of my kiddos. :-)

Snapshots: Namwianga

So, I've been putting off posting about this part of my time in Zambia because I struggle to find words that accurately describe it. This is where I left my heart.

Namwianga is a mission's organization that has three parts (at least those are all the parts that I know of): a clinic, an orphanage for older children called Eric's house, and an "orphanage" for younger children (preschool and below) called The Haven. The Haven is where I spent my time.

I say "orphanage" when referring to The Haven because a lot of the kids aren't actually orphans. Many have a parent or some sort of relative that is still alive but simply cannot take care of the child. Usually this is because the mother has died so the family has nothing to fed the child or because the child is sick and the family cannot take care of him/her. The Haven's mission is to reunite children with their families or villages once their families can take care of them and once the children are healthy and strong. Those without living relatives move across the street to Eric's house once they reach elementary age.

The Haven is divided into three buildings. The first building is for infants. I spent a good amount of time rocking these little ones and simply gazing into their beautiful eyes. The second building is for toddlers. I didn't get to spent much time in this building, mainly because I went into the other two buildings first and couldn't tear myself away from those kids. The third building was originally build to be a hospice for children who are chronically ill, especially those with HIV and TB. But praise the LORD! Thanks to medical treatment, these children are living rather than dying! These are the kids who really stole my heart; I wish my suitcase was large enough to carry all of them home with me (and then put my kiddos from Haven 1 and 2 in my carry-ons ;-)). I spent a good chunk of my time at Namwianga simply loving on these little ones; I loved finding different ways to make them smile. Tehe. Yup, these are my babies.

Ok, words are failing me now. Time to bring in the pictures. :-)


Sam Mary


Dow Cintia


Dorsi and Kim Denis

Christine

Bright and Junior

Elaine Hamilton
Miller Jana

Snapshots: Mission of Love

Mission of Love is one of the organizations that I got to serve with while in Zambia. It's mission statement is "serving to equip the local church and village community to better care for the needs of widows and orphans in the love and power of Christ. Psalm 68:5-6a".





It's run by an amazing couple, Jako and Amber. Jako is from South Africa and Amber is from America; the story of how they met is pretty sweet. They also have a sweet little boy, Jakob, who's 6 months old. Secretly, I'm fairly certain that I'm at least part South African. Of all the adults that I worked with in Zambia, I was most comfortable around Jako. He even managed to tickle me! Haha. I don't remember the last time someone legitamently tickled me. It's kind of a big deal. ;-) He made it extremely clear that I was a blessing, not a burden.

They intentionally keep their orphanage small to give it more of that family feel. Right now there are nine kids living in it. All of these children are from the community and all, well, except Genesis (more on her just now) are double orphans (meaning both parents have died) and have no living relative to take care of them. They are cared for by four aunties from the community, two who work full time and two who work part time.



Then there's baby Genesis. She came the second week that I was at Mission of Love. When we got her, she was 4 days old and barely weighed 4 pounds. She was born 1..5- 2 months premature. Her mother is severely schizophrenic, has syphilis, and is HIV positive. Her father is unknown. Genesis is truly a miracle baby. I can't tell you the excitement that I felt once she started to eat, started to whimper. Signs of life. :-) This little one will always hold a piece of my heart.






Two other people need to be mentioned in this post: Nate and Melanie. They are both college students from the States serving at Mission of Love for the summer. Nate served her last year as well.






While at Mission of Love, I helped with a lot of daily responsibilities: helping make food (not my forte), washing dishes, helping organize and label books for the community library that they're creating, looking after Jakob and Genesis, sorting donations, cleaning, and the like. Every night, I got to accompany Melanie down to the orphanage to help with the Bible story and English lesson that we had planned that afternoon. I also got to help her plan for the Sunday school lesson at church. It was good to be teaching again. :-)

Snapshots: Victoria Falls

According to Wikipedia: The Victoria Falls are some of the most famous, considered by some to be among the Seven Natural Wonders of the World.^[1] David Livingstone, the Scottish missionary and explorer, is believed to have been the first European recorded to view the Victoria Falls - which he did from what is now known as 'Livingstone Island' in Zambia, the only land accessible in the middle of the falls.^[2]. David Livingstone gave the falls the name 'Victoria Falls' in honour of his Queen, but the indigenous name of 'Mosi-oa-Tunya' - literally meaning the 'Smoke that Thunders' - is also well known. The World Heritage List recognises both names.^[3] While it is neither the highest nor the widest waterfall in the world, it is claimed to be the largest. This claim is based on a width of 1,708 metres (5,604 ft)^[4] and height of 108 meters (360 ft), forming the largest sheet of falling water in the world. The falls' maximum flow rate compares well with that of other major waterfalls








According to Sharon: Proof that we serve an amazing and creative God! Victoria Falls was more beautiful than words can describe. My favorite part was the hike down to the Boiling Pot. Basically, at the bottom of the falls, there is a pool of water where the water collects, swirls around, and bubbles, looking like a boiling pot. So cool! And the landscape down to it looked surreal. Ok, words are failing me. Maybe pictures will help, though pictures don't do it justice.

Snapshots:home life

I'm quickly realizing how vague I've been in regard to my time in Zambia. In the following series of posts, I hope to change that. Here's a glimpse of life at home. During the majority of my stay in Zambia, I was graced by the hospitality of the Murphy family. These precious little encouraged me daily. Each morning after my meeting with Rob and Gretchen, I was greeted by "good mornings" by these cuties. After a long day at the Haven, I'd return to giggles and grins, and usually some goofiness. No matter how tired I was, I always found energy to read a book with Shimirah or to play the "horsey game" with Isaiah and Katriya. Of course, there were always tickles for Christianna and Acacia as well. Gotta love these little ones. :-)

And I so appreciate their parents, Rob and Christa. I don't know two harder working people. They were gracious enough to open their home to me and did all that they could to make my time in Zambia smooth and comfortable. I'm grateful for their flexibility and encouragement.

Last but not least, "Auntie" Gretchen was my roommate for the month. She became my go-to person and appreciated companion during much of the time. She's commited to staying in Zambia for the next year.

The Murphy family is commited to staying in Zambia for the three years. For more information about them and their ministry, check out http://africaschild.info/blog/ Please pray for them as they continue to serve in Zambia.

Other common faces in Kalomo were those of the DeYoung family. Peter and Megan are in the process of two little precious little ones for Zambia, and are spending the summer in Zambia to fulfill the fostering period required (well, Megan's staying at least; Peter's stateside working and will return in August) with their three girls, Amy, Sophie, and Abby. Please pray for them throughout the adoption process. Pray especially for Megan as she handles the stresses of living in a far land while going through the ups and downs of adoption and taking care of her girls. That's a lot on her plate!

While in Zambia, I had the privilege of celebrating Isaiah's birthday. Christa did an incredible job put together a car party for him completely with games, balloons, and several impressive looking cakes. Here's a few snapshots from the big day.


Playing red light green light











Isaiah getting some tips from his dad in the car racing game











The kids each got their own cake to decorate.

Zambia Lessons

I hope to write a more detailed post about Zambia once my jet leg has passed. In the meantime, here are a few Zambia lessons from the past month.


-My God is bigger
-I'm independent (and proud) to a fault
-I need to own up to my mistakes
-It's ok to make mistakes
-I still have a lot of healing to do from South Africa
-I need to trust my instincts more
-Too often I let fear hold me back
-God hasn't given me a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love, and self-control
-I don't like being spoken for
-I don't speak up for myself enough
-I can be quite ambivalent
-I need to speak the truth in love. Always
-G0d has a sense of humor
-I'm extremely comfortable with South Africans. Maybe more so than with Americans
--Trying to take a pill while drinking from a drinking fountain is a bad idea
God loves these kids more than I do, more than I could even imagine
--Taking time for myself is good and needed
-It's good to take time to learn
-God's plan is best. Always
-My value is found in Whose I am, not in what I do
-Teaching toddlers that pinching noses creates a "beep! beep!" sound may result in nose bleeds. Several of them.
-God holds these precious little ones in His hands
-God will protect me. Always
-I don't like olives
-God is greater than any obstacle that I'll ever face
-Take risks
-LOVE RECKLESSLY
-I'm a blessing not a burden
-I'm making a difference
-Love is powerful
-I'm not about the short term
-Inch wide and a mile deep
-God is more than able
-It's important to speak truth to kids at every age
-Little things make big differences
-I like routine
-Trust God. Always.
-Bush roads are better than roller coasters
-God will never leave or forsake these little ones
-Greasy foods and I don't get along
-Vegetarian lasagna is still one of my favorites
-God is gracious and patient
-I'm too concerned with what others think of me
-We serve an incredible Creator
-The easy way is rarely the best way
-Doodling relaxes me
-Bartering can be fun

Yeah, I'd say I've learned a thing or two in the last month. :-)

Love like the ocean

One of my fears in coming here was that I would fall in love with the children and then have to leave them. I've fallen hard, my friends. I have the previllage of playing with angels. They've stolen my heart. No price is high enough to see their precious smiles or to hear their beautiful laughs. These are truly God's blessings to the world.

While trying to find ways to make these little ones laugh and smile (lots of tickles and funny faces), I started singing to them. As my mind searched for songs, I remembered the one that talks about having peace like a river, joy like a fountain, and love like the ocean. In this, God calmed my fear. Yes, I'm loving these little ones recklessly, but God has given me love like an ocean. He continues to fill up my love tank for these sweet kiddos. And though my heart will break when the day to say goodbye comes, God's love will fill this hole as well.

Last night, one of these preious little ones, Kelly, passed away. I didn't know this little angel, but it brought me to the reality that I may not only be far from my babies, but may loss them entirely on this earth. Most that have stolen my heart are HIV positive. The haven that they're staying in was built as a hospice, but thanks to medical treatment the children are living! Praise the LORD! Still, knowing that their lives are fragile only makes me love them more intensely. I trust that God has incredible plans for these little ones, plans greater than I could ever imagaine. And though I love love them with an ocean of love, my love is but a drop compared to God's love for them. Our God is love.

Angels

As my last post stated, I made it to Zambia a-ok. Here's a bit of an update about the last few days.

Phil
I am thankful beyond words that I was able to fly with my brother for the majority of my trip. It gave me some awesome time to simply get to know him better. Plus, he is an incredible big bro. He let me tag along with him through the airports, bought me dinner, encouraged me, calmed my fears, made me laugh, gave me a tour of London, prayed for me; yeah, he's pretty amazing.

Mom
Amazing doesn't even begin to describe my mom. I'm so thankful for her patience and perserverance. She pushes me when I can't push myself. She's taught me love and truth. She puts up with my moodiness. She is an amazing example of a Christ follower. She encourages and prays for me constantly. Yeah, I'm pretty blessed. :-)

Woman on a plane
The woman sitting next to me on my plan trip from London to Joburg was quite literally a God-sent. This was probably the most stressful part of the journey. At this point, I know longer had my brother as a travel buddy, literally ran to catch my plane, was exhausted from traveling a full day already, was facing a bunch of unknowns, and was simply not a happy camper. As I raced onto my plane, I prayed for God to have me sit next to someone who would encourage me. Friends, our God answers prayer. Sitting next to me was the sweetest grandmother type Christian woman. At first, we didn't speak to each other, which I was ok with as I was already fighting tears. Our conversation started with a simple request to store her bag under the seat as we took off. She then started asking about my trip. I told her that I was going on from Joburg to Zambia. Which she asked me why, I told her God and briefly explained how I wanted to go to Joburg but instead God was leading me to Koloma (I spelled that wrong). In this, the tears started to flow. As I started to apologize for crying, she stopped me and comforted me. She was angel throughout the flight, treating me as if I were her granddaughter. As we parted ways, she blessed me and told me that she would pray for me.

Positively adorable.
This afternoon I had the privillage of spending time with 7 beautiful HIV positive toddlers at an orphanage. This little ones have already stolen my heart. There's no greater gift than the smiles on their faces. As they fought each other to sit on my lap and for my attention, my heart simply broke for them. Each should have their own mommy and daddy to fuss over them and shower them with love. This simply isn't how children should live. The orphanage is wonderful and the children are well taken care of, but babies simply need more love and attention that the orphanage could offer. Please pray for these precious little ones.

The Murphy Family
This family has made me feel more than welcome here. I so appriciate their willingness to meet me where I'm at, hear my story, and encourage me. Gretchen, my roommate, has been especially encouraging and has proven to be quite the compainion. She reminds me a lot of Laura (which is quite the compliment). :-)

God is good. Please pray that He continues to lead and guide me for His name sake.

In Zambia

After 2 days of travel, I've made it to Zambia with no visa issues. PTL!

Please keep praying as I get into a routine here. Pray that God's leading and truth are loud and clear. Pray that His truth drowns out all fears and doubts.

Praise Him for safe travels with sweet people on the planes (more on this later). Praise Him for the opportunity to love and be loved on. Praise Him for using us to do His will. Praise Him for His mercy, favor, and grace.

God's mysterious plan

Hey friends!

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm not going to Zambia.

Well, at least not today. Secretly, I wanted to brag on the incredible God that we have.

Essentially, I've spent the past 3 days moping, asking God for a way out. I was stressed out with all of the little things going on Zambia wise (BA strike, visa stuff, flying internationally solo, etc). It's pretty much been a wrestling match of wills this week; I'd ask God to give me a way out, and He'd ask me whose will I wanted done. Eish.

Begrudgingly, I went to the airport this evening, still asking God for some way out. I was overwhelmed with unknowns. We got up to the check out line just before the rush. In the middle of checking in, I received a text from Orbitz that told me my flight from GR to Chicago was canceled. Moments later, the woman who was helping me check in confirmed this. I turned to my mom with a smile on my face and said, "Flight canceled? Ok, let's go home."

But here's the cool part. This summer, my brother is also going to Rwanda. Originally, I thought he was leaving at the end of June; I found out yesterday that he's actually flying out on Friday. We pretty much had the exact same flight, but his was two days later.

So as we're at the check in desk and the woman, Nancy, informed us that the soonest I would be able to fly out would be tomorrow; I turned to my mom and asked if I could fly out Friday with Phil instead. I whipped out my phone; by the time I got a hold of him, Nancy had his flight information up. She switched my first flight to match his, then informed me that she couldn't change the next flight because it was through a different airline. As she said this, the computer started automatically changing my flights to tomorrow, switching my flight to London so that I flew the same airline as my brother. Nancy said, "Well, it the robot can do it, so can I" then switched my flight to match my brother's all the way from GR to London. Thus, I'm not longer flying solo until I get to Joburg, and I can handle the Joburg airport on my own. :-) But it gets better. I had (and still have) an 8 hour layover in London that I wasn't exactly looking forward to. My brother, who spent a semester studying in Ireland and knows Europe well, told me to venture out in the city instead of boring myself in the airport. I listened politely as he told me of the places that I should visit, but knew I wouldn't leave the airport; it simply wouldn't be smart or safe for me to venture out on my own. Now that I'm flying with him and he also has an 8 hour layover in London, we can explore the city together. Bonus brother time! I'm a fan. Tehe.

AND I no longer am flying British Airways from London to Joburg, which means the only place that I could get stuck is Joburg, which I'd be ok with. Tehe.

Plus, this gives an extra two days for my visa to come in (which I'm praying it does).

PLUS! So, originally I was going to be in Zambia for 32 days; the visa that I'd get would last 30 days, meaning I'd have to go through the process of renewing it for those last 2 days. Now, I'm only in Zambia for 30 days exactly, which means no need for an extension. Thank You Jesus!

Yeah, I'd say God's got a pretty good plan going on. :-)

Plus, it's been a sweet (though incredibly difficult) lesson on faith. So many times I've wanted to walk away, but God kept me going. I'm excited to see what He has in store for my future. :-)

AND I am FINALLY, FULLY excited to be in Zambia. I can't wait to hold those little ones close to me and fall in love with each and every one of them. Oh yeah, it's gonna hurt like no other when I have to leave, but that's the price of love. And quite frankly, it's worth it (I learned that in Haiti). If I can impact one of these little one's for the better, it's worth the heartache of leaving them.

So essentially, God is good. Always! Tehe.