Peanuts

One of the biggest things that I’ve had to get used to living here is losing my independence. I never realized how independent I was until my independence was taken away. At home, if I could do it on my own, I would. Even if I would have been easier or produce better quality if I had help, most of the time I’d try to do it on my own anyway. Yup, I realize that I was independent to a fault (which is strange considering I always thought of myself as very dependant). Here, I’m dependant for basically everything. If I want to get to work or get groceries or do laundry, I have to depend on someone to get me there. I have to depend on those around me to teach me how things work around here. I have to depend on them for guidance and safety. It’s been a HUGE adjustment. And it’s been extremely humbling. You have to humble yourself quite a bit when you can’t even get food to eat without the assistance of someone else. Yup, it’s definitely been a process. But here’s the cool thing.

While I’ve been forced to depend on those around me, I’ve been learning to depend on God as well. Here, I don’t have all of the support and outlets that I have at home. I’ve been learning to depend on God to strengthen me and provide for my every need. I’ve been trusting Him to keep me safe, to provide people in my life to care for me. And the coolest part has been seeing God’s faithfulness as I trust in Him. For basically the entire month that I’ve been here, I’ve been praying that God fills me with His courage and confidence to do things that I’d never imagine doing on my own. As I was writing in my prayer journal today, I realized that God has answered this prayer. For the past two weeks, I’ve been teaching classes of forty five learners whom I was warned have little respect for authority and could get out of hand easily. At home, I hated giving presentations in front of my friends and peers. But for the past two weeks, I’ve been teaching these large classes without a second thought. Whoa! God is so good! Another thing that really intimated me was working with the high schoolers. Even the high schoolers at home scare me. There’s just something about that age. Tehe. That on top of students who have learned to despise and disrespect authority intimated me more than just a little bit. Add into the mix that some of these students are only a little younger than me if not my age, and I was certain that I was going to fail. I simply couldn’t do it. I can handle little kids, but not high schoolers. No way no how! But I’m doing it. Through God’s strength, I’m doing it. God has filled me with the courage and confidence to press on. I can do all things through His strength. But it gets better. Tehe. While we were out for coffee one day, Nikki said something that really stuck in my mind. She told me that I could better influence these kids than she or Reagan could because I am more like a peer than an authority figure to them. I was scared that I would fail because of my age, but God is using my age to better relate to these kids. My God is so cool!

Awhile ago, I read a book called In the Grip of Grace by Max Lucado. In the book, Lucado shares how in his bachelor days, he wasn’t the greatest cook. When church picnics came around, the ladies at the church he was pasturing would prepare scrumptious dishes while he would usually end up scrounging up half of a jar of peanuts. His contribution seemed so small compared to what the others had brought. But the ladies of the church paid no matter to it. They would pull out a nice bowl, dump the peanuts in, and place them amidst the luscious casseroles, salads, and desserts. Then they would encourage Lucado to stuff himself with the feast. It didn’t matter that his contribution never matched theirs. It didn’t matter what he brought to the table as long as he came.

Over the past month, I feel like I’ve been offering a lot of peanuts. As I said above, I’m dependant on others for basically everything. While I miss my independence, I am so grateful for their help. Still, it’s been difficult accepting so much help knowing that I’ll never be able to repay them. I’ll never be able to repay them for the many meals that they’ve paid for me or for all of the places that they’ve driven me or for teaching me the ropes or for introducing me new people or for encouraging me or for being so patient with me as they teach me. What little I do have to offer, a helping hand here or there, a listening ear, a cookie, a smile, seems like peanuts compared to all that they’ve done for me. But I have nothing more to offer. I don’t have the money or the knowledge or the skills to help them in the way that they help me. I simply have to accept their help, to show up at the table with my peanuts and indulge in the feast. Yup, God’s definitely been humbling me.

But again, this lesson extends past the people around me. More and more, I’m realizing just how much God does for me. His blessings are endless! Not only has He sacrificed His Son that I may dwell with Him Heaven some day, but He’s at work in my life even now. Constantly He is taking care of me, providing my every need, even needs that I didn’t realize I had. He has given me a love that has no condition, given me countless changes, and over and over again He forgives me. He has given me life, love, peace, confidence, courage, strength, hope, a future, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, friends, forgiveness, truth, patience, understanding, faithfulness, gentleness… And what can I offer in return? Peanuts. Just peanuts. I could never repay my God for all that He’s done for me. Even in a thousand lifetimes, I couldn’t repay Him. But that doesn’t matter to Him. He isn’t seeking reimbursement. He simply asks that I come to the table with my peanuts and indulge in the feast that He has prepared for me. My God is amazing! What a wonderful Maker! What a wonderful Savior! What an incredible Provider! My God is amazing!