Tuna Sandwiches

Have you ever had those moments in which a theme seems to develop in your day? Those moments in which God's trying to teach you something that takes a few tries for you to finally understand it? For me, that moment was yesterday.

My faith was rocked last semester when the SA team and Kenya trip had gone flat. I replayed the semester time and time again, trying to see where I strayed from God's plan, and thus why my plan failed. After endless scrutinizing, I couldn't find what I was searching for. Sure, there were numerous times in which I had to surrender these trips to God, but not until the week that both were canceled did I feel God directing me not to go. In hindsight, I don't think that I strayed from God's plan along the way or that He suddenly decided to change it. I think that this is what God was planning from the start; for reasons that I may never understand, God intended me to dive into this endeavors heart and soul without actually going on the trips.

This led to some intense wrestling. Did I still want to pursue God's plan if this would be the result? Was His plan for my life still good? Was He still good?

In my heart of hearts, I knew that the answer to all of these questions is yes, but my faith was still unsteady. LORD, I would follow where you lead, but not with the same enthusiasm and effort that I had before. I would follow God, but quietly to avoid getting my hopes to high and to avoid further embarrassment from pursing something that wouldn't happen (silly pride getting in the way again).

Which brings us to yesterday and God speaking to my heart despite its hardness. Yesterday morning, my three year old Sunday school class learned about the following passage. When the exact same passage was talked about in Evensong, I paid a bit closer attention.

Mark 6:32-44

³²So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place. ³³But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. ³⁴When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.

³⁵By this time it was late in the day, so his disciples came to him. "This is a remote place," they said, "and it's already very late. ³⁶Send the people away so they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat."

³⁷But he answered, "You give them something to eat."
They said to him, "That would take eight months of a man's wages^e]">[e]! Are we to go and spend that much on bread and give it to them to eat?"

³⁸"How many loaves do you have?" he asked. "Go and see."
When they found out, they said, "Five—and two fish."

³⁹Then Jesus directed them to have all the people sit down in groups on the green grass. ⁴⁰So they sat down in groups of hundreds and fifties. ⁴¹Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to his disciples to set before the people. He also divided the two fish among them all. ⁴²They all ate and were satisfied, ⁴³and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces of bread and fish. ⁴⁴The number of the men who had eaten was five thousand.

In December, I really feel God leading me to Zambia. By that I mean I was almost asleep and I heard in my heart, "Sharon, go to Zambia." Surprisingly, I had mixed feelings about it. God, is this really what you want? I decided I would open,but this obedience was extremely different than my obedience to go to South Africa. Rather than being filled with excitement and enthusiasm, I grudgingly obeyed like a young child who obeys his parents to avoid repercussions. It wasn't that I wanted to obey, but that was what I was supposed to do.

Two years ago, everyone who knew me knew that I was going to South Africa. With Zambia, some of my closest friends didn't even know. Quite the difference, hey. I just couldn't force myself to be as excited. What if I poured my heart into this too and then become disappointed once again? Though I was pursing Zambia, I was doing so half-heartedly. Fear was stopping me from fully trusting God. What if I didn't go? Would I be able to raise the funds on my own? Would people really give to me and pray for me when I wasn't going through an organization?

Last night at Evensong as those words were being read, God tugged on my heart.
"Sharon, what do you have? What small thing do you have to give me?"
"Not much, LORD."
"Give it to me, my child. Trust me with your little bit. Trust my provision to multiple it in ways greater than you could ever imagine. Your time, finances, love, heart, life. Trust them to Me, My child, and I will use you in ways greater than you could ever imagine. Let My love flow through you in ways you've never imagined."
Instantly I was filled with peace. My God is big enough to provide for all of my needs. God will provide for me all that I need to fulfill His plan; I needn't fret the details. I'm seeking to trust God fully; sink or swim, I'm diving into this crazy plan of His.