Confessions of a whiney child

I admit it: I don't want to go to Zambia. Or at least I didn't until recently.

Essentially, I've been fighting God every step of the way (which is never a good idea). Way back in December when the South Africa trip fell through, I began to run in the opposite direction of where God was leading (again, BAD IDEA. Didn't Jonah teach something about this?). I was so distraught about not being able to return to my SA family and loved ones that I wanted nothing to do with Africa. Honestly, I wanted to take a break from "missions" and live the life of a "normal" college student. God had other, bigger plans.

Zambia kept coming up in the most random ways. Eventually one night God plainly laid on my heart that Zambia is where I need to be this summer. Like a child, I begrudgingly agreed, more so because I knew it was the right thing to do, not because I actually wanted to do it.

Praise God that He is faithful! I am fully aware that nothing in this trip is my doing. I've hardly put any effort in raising prayer support or funds, but God has provided more than I need. I casually glanced at flights, and God provided my ticket. He's put together every detail of this endeavor, which is good, because if He hadn't I wouldn't be going.

Even with full confidence that this is what God wants for me, I continued to doubt. God provided everything that I needed outside of myself, so I began to doubt myself. I doubted that I would be able to serve adequately. Doubted that I had the strength or the skills. Doubted that I could make any sort of impact. Doubted that I had the energy for such an endeavor.

This school year has been incredible, but exhausting as the responsibilities continued to pile on. That pile only grew as I looked ahead to summer; realizing that as soon as exams are done my schedule is hijacked with another class, leaving for Zambia 3 days later, working at camp a week after, having two weeks to prepare RA stuff, then back into the pile of responsibilities at school. This picture was overwhelming; I longed for rest. Being sick and ridiculously busy these last few weeks has only added to this longing. I've been tempting on more than one occasion to take the month that I would be in Zambia simply to rest and pamper myself. I wanted to be excited, but something kept me from doing that.

Last week Tuesday was the end of the year banquet for Terra Firma (the freshmen group that I'm a leader for ). We had a dynamic speaker who really touched my heart. He spoke on the story of the Good Samaritan, but with a fresh perspective that I had never considered. Most of the time when we consider this familiar story, we label the priest as some sort of monster, some heartless man absorbed in himself. The speaker challenged this view, stating that the priest was no monster, but quite similar to us. He did his church duty, worked hard not to break the ten commandments, and lived a life that appeared to be pretty pure. The speaker listed reasons as to why the priest walked on by. These two stuck out to me:

"The priest was walking from Jericho to Jerusalem. He was going somewhere. He was on a mission, and perhaps He was simply too busy to help the man." Ouch! With the words "too busy", God pulled at my heart. This was my fault. I had fallen into the trap of busyness. I was too consumed with the tasks that lay ahead of me to rest in the assurance that God is bigger than our humanness. Time and time again He has provided me with strength and energy when I've had none. God is bigger than my humanity.

There's more to this issue than just rest, however. I know that I have a tendency to overschedule and overcommit myself, and I know that rest is important. However, I was seeking more than rest; I was seeking comfort. Why is it that, being overwhelmed by my summer plans, the first thing that I considered dropping was the thing that God has clearly ordained? Why not forgo this class, or camp, or RA prep? The reason is because those things offer comfort and security. By taking this class, I have the security of graduating on time. Camp is the place on this earth that I'm most comfortable at. And taking those few weeks before school starts to prep for RA stuff gives me the security and comfort (and control) of being prepared for the school year. Yet again, I need to surrender my plans for God's plans; I need to trust that His plans are greater than mine, and that He will enable me to do what He has called me to do. Where you lead me, LORD, I will follow.

The other thing that the speaker at the banquet said that hit home was "perhaps the priest was afraid to get dirty. Touching a dead man, which the beaten man may have appeared to be, would leave the priest unclean and unable to fulfill his priesly duties in the temple. In order to help this man, he would have had to get down on hands and knees and scoop the man close to his body; inevitably the man's blood and dirt would transfer to the priest." Deep down, I'm afraid of getting dirty. I'm afraid of dealing head on with the heartache of my kiddos in Zambia. Already my heart aches for them; I can't imagine how I will feel once I see them face to face, once I hold them close to me, listening to their heartbeat in rhythm with my own. I know that I will be overwhelmed with grief for them. I don't know about you, but grief and heartache are not my favorite experiences.

But this is where God's heart is. Jesus cared for the orphan, widow, diseased, hungry, naked, dying. He calls us to do the same. In church on Sunday, the pastor said, "The Bible promises that God draws near to the broken hearted, so if we want to be close to God, we need to get close to those whose hearts are breaking. Truth. So those it's a seemingly crazy prayer, LORD break my heart for what breaks Yours. Open up my eyes to the terrors of this world that I may be compelled to attack them head on with Your love and justice. Where You lean me, LORD, I will follow.

Praise the LORD for His patience with this whiney child! Praise the LORD that He hasn't given up to me. Praise the LORD that He is bigger than I am. Praise the LORD that His plan prevails despite my doing. Praise the LORD for His goodness. Praise the LORD for His compassion for the least of these, for the broken hearted. Praise the LORD for His mercy and grace. Praise the LORD that He forgives me time and time again when I am consumed by selfishness and doubt. Praise the LORD for His goodness. Praise the LORD for His faithfulness; He never fails! Praise the LORD for His provision. Praise the LORD for His power and strength. What a mighty God we serve!