Busy, busy

Pardon the juvenile reference, but does anyone remember the Veggie Tales episode where they portray the story of the Good Samaritan. In the episode, Larry gets robbed and shoved in a hole in the ground. Then two high standing citizens walk by, see his distress, then keep going, claiming that they are "busy, busy, dreadfully busy; we'd like to help but we can't".

I realized today how much I relate to these characters. I thrive on busyness. Too often I take on more that I should because it makes me feel accomplished and important. Whether it's a job or leadership position or friendship, I constantly want to be doing. It doesn't help that I struggle to let go of things. I like routine, and I often hang on to relationships or jobs far longer than I should. I want to stay in touch with every single person that I've ever met. I want to continue to invest in the lives of those that I've mentored years after that role has finished. I take on jobs left and right without being willing to let go of old ones. Lately the faults of such habits have become more than evident.

For one, they, in part, lead me to desire my own plans rather than God's. Earlier this summer, God closed the door for me to return to South Africa and opened a door for me to go to Zambia. I fought Him every step of the way, but still His plan prevailed. I was afraid that by going to Zambia, I would be closing the door on South Africa, not something that I was ready to do.

I've realized the faults of these habits as I spend my summer jumping from one responsibility to the other, leaving myself stretched to the limit and drained (and summer's only halfway through). I've lost the excitement for the things I once loved, replacing it with frustrations of trying to take care of all the details, losing the quality I was once able to invest.

I've seen it hurt my relationships. Wanting to maintain all of my friendships and wanting to please everyone, during my "down time", my schedule is jammed packed with getting together with friends, often rushing away from one conversation to arrive ten minutes late for the next. I've turned my friends into another appointment on my calendar, and for this I'm sorry. I haven't been able to simply relax and soak up their company, to be fully involved with who I'm with without checking my watch to ensure I'm not late for the next meeting. That simply isn't fair to my friends; it doesn't show the love that I have for them, doesn't express how much I cherish them.

So I'm left praying for discernment. I'm left praying that God will lead and guide me for His name sake. I'm left praying that He will give me a spirit of willingness to follow where He leads. I'm left praying that He will give me the grace and wisdom to let go of responsibilities that I need to be finished with that I may fully participate in what He has planned for me. I'm left praying that He will free me of distractions, that He will rid me of anything that is not of Him and is of me. I'm left praying for forgiveness and mercy and grace. I'm left in the loving embrace of my Savior and Papa. I'm left surrendering (for the umpteenth time) my plans for His. I'm left trusting Him wholly, obeying Him wholly. I'm leaving this busyness behind that I may fully soak up God's plan for my life.