I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!

This is the thought that's been going through my mind lately. I don't want to be here. It's become a daily struggle of reminding myself why I'm here, reminding myself of the privilege of education, of how hard I've worked to get here. Most importantly, reminding myself that this is where God wants me right now, remembering that I need to trust Him and His plan over my own. Let me tell you, we serve a spectacular God.

Yesterday was particularly difficult. I was overwhelmed with missing Africa and wishing that I was there again. The day held constant reminders of what I'd been missing. Random comments in class. Reagan called me, and simply hearing his voice brought me to tears. I miss him and his family so much. The focus of our ACTs meeting (a student organization on group geared toward social justice) was on orphans. This cut deep. I couldn't help but think back to my babies in SA. How I miss them! How I want to be with them! As we walked to the library to work on an upcoming event, a friend asked how I was doing. I simply shrugged at her. When she asked what was wrong, I told her that I don't want to be here. She seemed to understand what I meant.

As we worked on our project, another girl in our group asked me a question about missions. Basically, she asked me if I thought that she should go on both the Haiti and South Africa missions trips. She figured since I had been to both places, I would be the best person to ask. I told her that I couldn't answer her question and, though it's horribly cliche, she needed to pray about it, asking for God's direction. When she told me that she'd been doing this, I asked her what God had been telling her. She told me that He had told her to go. I told her that that was her answer. I also asked her what was making her question whether to go or not. She admitted that part of the issue was money, though she knew that God could provide that. The other part was being afraid that she couldn't handle all of the heartbreak. I told her that she was going to see a ton of heartbreak in both places. I admitted to her that my heart broke daily for my babies in Africa. But allowing my heart to break for the things that break God's heart has lead me to joy, lend me to a compassion that I never knew I was capable of.

I realized two things last night. One, God has grown me a ton! There's no way that those were my words coming out of my mouth. God gave me words. Two, God answered why I'm here. He proved to me that He has a reason for having me here right now, that He's using me even here. He's using me to speak truth into the lives of my peers. He's using me to testify His power and mercy and grace and love and incredibleness! Earlier in our ACTs meeting, the leader of our group suggested that someone who had been to Africa speak at our event in chapel next Friday. Instantly, all eyes (seemingly at least) turned to me. But here's the crazy part. For the past few weeks I've been emailing people left and right trying to get an opportunity to speak in chapel. And here God has laid it in my lap! God is so good! Now I'm left to figure out how to condence six months of stories into a 30 second period. Tehe.

So even though I still don't really want to be here, I can see why God has me here. Constantly He amazes and surprises me. Our God is so good! Constantly He answers my prayers. Constantly He's using me. My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty; there's nothing my God cannot do! So, even though I don't want to be here, I'm trusting God's plan in having me here.

Praise the LORD!:
~For answered prayer
~For using me
~For the opportunity to speak in chapel
~For the opportunity to testify to what He's done in my life
~For His Truth
~For His patience
~For His comfort
~For His provision
~For His mercy, favor, and grace
~For growing me
~For hope
~For sunshine
~For the opportunity to get an education
~For dear friends
~For His patience
~For His faithfulness
~For His wisdom
~For His plan

Please pray:
~For the SA team from CU. We're a bit behind due to some technology problems. Pray that these will be resolved and we'll be able to begin meeting ASAP
~For Cynergy. Pray that God will overwhelm it and all that it touches with His mercy, favor, and grace. Pray that He will lead and guide their every step.
~For words as I speak in chapel next Friday. Pray that God once again speaks through me. I can't do this without Him.
~For wisdom as I continue to wrestle with being here when I so desire to be there.
~That God would continue to open my eyes to the opportunities that surround me.
~For strength over the next few weeks.
~That in all I do, I bring glory to His name.