Striving

I find it ironic that I began this post over a month ago and, given the busyness of my life, am just returning to it now.  =)

A wise friend of mine once said, "Sharon, you burnout regularly.  More so, you don't see this as a problem."

Yup, I'm one of those people who plans for 36 hour days and wonder why I run out of time at the end of the day, one of those people who likes to take on the world, one of those people who struggles to say no or wait to things.  And like my friend said, this striving causes me to burnout often.  She pointed out the vicious cycle, hey: I go go go until I drop from exhaustion (often quite literally), hate all of my responsibilities and want to quit everything for a little bit, neglect my commitments for a bit, then vow to take on a more balanced life only finding myself saying yes to everything.  I can be perseverant and stubborn and determined and dependable to get things done.  I have a passion for life and am goal driven.  And while these things in and of themselves are not bad, I've discovered that they become harmful when done out of a lack of trust in God.

Yes, that's what I've discovered that my striving really boils down to: a lack of trust in God.  God has given me big and beautiful dreams for my life, dreams I can't wait to take hold of!  And in my impatience, I've neglected God's timing.  More so, I've doubted His timing.  Rather than enjoy the gifts of the journey that He has for me today, I gluttonously want it all at once.  I try to sprint the marathon.

Additionally, I fail to trust Him.  I fear that if I don't take matters into my own hands and ensure that they happen- if I don't schedule my classes to ensure that I graduate next year, if I don't work to ensure that I can provide for myself, if I don't pursue ten opportunities now, if I don't invest in a multitude of relationships- then I will loose these things.  Rather than trust God to provide for myself, I try to do it on my own.

And I fail.  Miserably I fail.  Rather than gaining all that I've sought, I end up with only exhaustion and illness. I end up with losses.  I end up with disappointment and frustration.  I end feeling defeated.

And as I recover from yet another burn out, slowly I'm reminded of that precious word: surrender.  Slowly I embrace the truth that God's ways are better than mine, that He knows better than I.  Slowly I learn to let go.  Slowly I learn to slow down.

Instead of striving, I'm learning to pray: God, what is your will for this day?  What are Your goals and dreams for my life?  What do You have for me?  I'm learning to trust, learning to embrace grace.  Yes, I still have the big, beautiful dreams that God's given me, yet now I'm learning to seek His timing for these dreams. Learning that it's okay if I have to continue schooling longer than I'd hoped, learning that I can trust Him with my relationships,  learning to say no to what God doesn't have for me and wait to that which He has said not yet, learning that I can trust Him to provide exactly what I need, learning to immerse myself in His grace and patience, learning that His way is beautiful.  I praise Him for that!